Hello everyone,

I feel like I'm embarrassed of myself most of the time. It is because of a thing I said, or the way I acted in front of people. I have some close friends but I can't seem that often cause I moved to the USA and they spread all over Europe. I still talk to them via Skype once in a while. Anyway, I have troubles making new friends and I actually don't want to. I forgot to mention I'm 26 female , happily married (thank God). So we tried to make some friends since we moved but they seem not to enjoy my company after I introduce them to my real me.( Super emtional, seeking loyalty all the time and who knows, maybe they think I'm "obssessive"). We hango out for some months and they just stop calling us. (pretty sure I'm the reason, not my hubby). However, I don;t really need those friends. Actually I don't think I need anybody besides my husband ( and familly). I just don't want to meet people and to feel embarrassed.
I'm trying to freelance at home, because guess what! I work as a waitress and I hate my job. Sometimes I feel happy, because I have good interactions with people and can't stop smiling but sometimes it's really hard for me to cope with my emotions. This job really pushes me out of my comfort zone every day and I still get anxious EVERYTIME I approche a table for the first time. It's like I have to "detect" the people...to try to figure them out- "Are they good? Are they gonna be nice? Are they gonna give me a trouble?". This is so draining, but I can't stop doing it.Also, I get frustrated easily. I try to be perfect and it really upsets me when I can't be cause sometimes it's impossible. There are too many things beyond my control. After I busy night I can't shake the stress of (and I work part time) when I go home. I can't fall asleep because my mind is going crazy. I even dream about work or wake up at 5 am remembering that I forgot to bring some lemons to a customer (that;s embarrassing). It;s lame cause it makes me feel insecure about me EVER having a good job since I can't handle even a little stress!!! Like what am I suppose to do? Work in a puppy hotel or what? And I'm studying web design and I really want to be a web designer even a programmer. I've worked other jobs before besides waitraassing and have been able to stay in a job for more than a year. And I know this is bad. My husband is trying to convince me that I just wasn't lucky...but After 10 years and probably 20 jobs I have to consider myself as the main issue here. My employers can't be wrong all the time. And now...after 1 year at this job (yay) I will quit in like two weeks (because we're moving to another state) but I can't wait cause I can't stand my coworkers anymore. I can;t wait for my shift to be over. Also I feel like I look so stupid in front of them that I can't wait to leave and never see them again hoping that they will forget about my silly me and that I don;t have to be reminded how silly I can be. ( they might not think I'm silly, I don;t know, I'm just afraid of it) Like today, I felt so embarrassed of having the worst UTI ever. I had to luck myself for 30 min in the bathroom cause I was in so much pain and was trying to pee the whole time. I had to tell my manager what the reason was. As my esey started watering he said "Oooh, don;t start me with this!". Like I was like any other girl trying to use my tears to get some benefits or to call out. I was so embarrassed and panicked inside the restroom. I started crying cause I couldn't finish my shift and didn;t know how to explain it. Luckily, he sent the hosstess to let me know that I can leave. The thing is, I' m so embarrassed to go to work tomorrow. I cried in front of people...they saw me so weak. And they just don;t take UTIs that seriously. They might say I'm a wimp! I know there are people with some real problems there...Sometimes I even wonder do I pretend in fron of me? because my brain seem to know what is the right thing, that it;s not worth it to worry about such a stupid thing. But my feelings wouldn't stop invading my body. I can't explain it. Like I know what;s right but I can't make myself believe it!
Ohhh gosh, that was long.... (excuse my English, if somebody will ever read this of course, but we moved 3 years go the states from Eastern Europe ). I just want to know that there are others like me.