Thanks for your reply... Your username seems very appropriate right now!

I had a look at the list of distractions/other coping mechanisms on here. None of them sounded like they'd be anywhere near sufficient but I am trying...

I can't do it, really. I wouldn't be able to hide it from my partner. I wouldn't even know what to do it with... I'm so anxious these days about infections and stuff, it'd have to be a sterilised hospital blade! Those things are helping to stop me.

But I'm so worried that I want to this much. After so long.