Hello nyancatnyan: Well... without going into detail here... I will tell you I had some experience with this sort of thing... many years ago now. It still haunts me all these many years later. The first thing I want to say is there aren't any "secret solutions" to this... some cure you haven't heard of. So at least my opinion (for what it's worth) casting about for one is a waste of time & energy. What's done is done. You can't change what you've done. All you can do is move forward & try to do better in the future.

You mentioned this is your bf you cheated on. I don't know how serious a relationship this is, of course... whether you see it as a lifetime relationship or perhaps simply a passing romantic relationship. If it is more of a lifetime type of relationship, then of course what you've done is of more consequence than if your relationship with your bf is more temporary in nature. In that case, it will be easier for you to eventually put this experience into perspective & move on... see it as a "learning experience", as they say.

Assuming that your relationship with your bf is intended to be of the more permanent variety, the answer here really is individual therapy for yourself & perhaps couples counseling for the two of you beyond that. Essentially you're going to need to talk all of this through in depth over a period of time with a skilled therapist so that you can process why you did what you did & how you are now feeling about it.

I know that's not a very novel suggestion. But, as I wrote above, there aren't any secret solutions to this. (At least not that I'm aware of.) It's simply going to take a lot of difficult work... first to find a therapist you feel comfortable working with (not every therapist works well with every client) & then to dig into what has happened & how you feel about it. At least from my perspective, that is the way to finally put this to rest. Otherwise this experience is something that will simply continue to eat at you & may possibly damage or destroy your relationship with your bf. I apologize if this all sounds blunt. But as I wrote above, I've been there.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!