Hey nyan.
Your post speaks volumes if one reads between the lines.
I'll propose something, obviously it is strictly an opinion.

Your self loathing does not relate to him at all, it was him that you say your actions hurt, but he has forgiven you. Yet you are not soothed.
You say he deserves a better woman, but he seems to disagree.
The reason you cannot accept his forgiveness or his love is closely connected to why you sabotaged the relationship in the first place.
What do you fear about your relationship with him?
When you are with him, do certain situations make you uncomfortable? Anxious? Flighty?