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ZombieAlex · 12:14 PM

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!!!

Secondly, here's a quick background of my epic life:

Possible trigger:

From the age of 4-14 I was sexually abused by 7 different men, the last was the worst. I was held captive with a knife to my throat and I vividly remember watching the sunset and saying goodbye and I love you to my horrifyingly abusive family. From infancy to the age of 15 I was physically abused and so severely emotionally and psychologically abused that it is actually classified as torture.

Sensory deprivation, deprivation of liberty, gas lighting, solitary confinement, no touch and the most psychologically damaging of all, the exploitation of ones most terrifying phobias. Fortunately I met my soulmate at 14 who has been a true supply of unconditional love.

I don't really know why I'm posting this, I think I just need to talk to others who have an understanding of dissociation/complex ptsd/bpd/ednos and living with mental illnesses.

I am severely struggling with dissociation while simultaneously trying to dissociate myself out of existence. I am on 600mg of Thorazine x2 daily and 200mg of sodium valproate plus I smoke about an ounce of hydroponically grown weed a month. My memory is absolutely appalling, I lose my train of though as soon as I think of it. I struggle to grasp thoughts, memories and feelings and yes, while I am aware that this is normal to some degree with dissociation, feeling like I'm fading away and slowly losing all consciousness isn't normal, is sit? I feel like I'm actively trying to access thoughts, memories and feelings while simultaneously actively trying to shut out all consciousness. I don't know how to stop dissociating when I'm actively trying to dissociate but also trying to stop dissociating? I've never seen an actual psychiatrist or psychologist just counsellors when I was 13-16. I have a psychiatrist but he is farking useless unless I need to be admitted, which he'll do without hesitation if I need it thank god. I have been a psychiatric inpatient 12 times since I was 13. I am a firm beliver of self improvement and have been working on self-recovery for a few years now. Now that I've started recovery again I'm really struggling with it due to the severe memory loss and dissociation. I also have a acute lack of insight, probably because I can't remember any-****ing-thing. I struggle to tell my incredible partner of 9 years about all the different stages and crap that I've been going through. I can only remember one period where I laid in bed with my eyes closed all day daydreaming, I wouldn't get up or anything I'd just stay in bed and go to sleep and start all over again the next day. This lasted for about 3 weeks before I started a completely different cycle. It was actually a really lovely time and I wish I could be like that again! There were so many other cycles/episodes whatever but I struggle to remember anything. Again, I don't know why I'm posting this. I'll probably delete it soon.