Waking up this morning I can already feel my child self fighting because she wants to go tomorrow. I am not going to go but it will definitely be a battle. I'm trying to comfort myself by imagining how surprised T1 will be when I don't show up. I have never ever missed a single appointment in 3.5 years. It may be immature but honestly I hope the thought crosses his mind that I may have actually gone ahead and blown my brains out over this nightmare as I've told him I've been considering many times.

I'm just literally thinking--I KNOW I could get a crumb of affection from him tomorrow--I just know it. I could get my crumb! It's been 9 days since I've seen him. I want a crumb BAD.