Hi Zedsdead

Nothing at all you're saying sounds insane
So just keep on saying whatever you're feeling
One thought is.......and tell me if I'm wrong.........but I'm guessing that so many times you had to put a lid on what you wanted to say, what you felt, what you wanted to do.........to "keep the peace", to stop things from getting worse, to make things better, to not upset him..........???
If so all this.........standing your ground has to be "against your instincts"............and guilt is a very understandable reaction
But deep down you know that you're worth much more than that, right?!! And so do we
And I'm guessing you have loved him, maybe a bit of you still loves who he was in the briefest of moments or what you felt he could be..........so guilt is natural..........you wouldn't want to hurt that person.........but reality is that isn't the person he really is, is it?!! In the "bigger picture"........he's actually a very different person..........
And you know what..........maybe you're grieving over the very real feeling of loss of that person you saw in the briefest of moments, of who you'd hoped he could be, of what "could have been", of how you wanted and hoped the relationship could be........and grief can be a real powerful, real strong, real messed up, real hard emotion..........and if it is..........give yourself time and compassion to grieve..........but just know that absolutely, unequivocally, undeniably you have done the right thing in walking away
I know things must be real hard right now, but hang in there hey??
It can in time get much better than it ever was, and you owe yourself that

Alison