i like word puzzles <3

i usually spend most of my time on the computer though, either making music, playing a game, or reading...

when im not doing that im partying, not like big parties or whatever... just drinking... i dont get along with people well enough to be such a big party person...
i mean i get along with people fine but i just dont like dealing with people because its difficult..

im just nervous and dont want to give myself enough tim to think about things to back out from going... because i already dont want to go, but i gotta make myself go... trying to trick myself into not backing out by convincing myself of some things... like meeting similar people, making friends that can understand my struggle, getting a good diagnosis, medications, ect ect..

i just dont want to be there and like not have something i need... i dont really have comfort items, i wish i did, but nothing really brings that feeling besides drugs and alcohol...

i dunno, im gonna be embarrassed if everything is result of my abuse of substances and not a dissociative problem... i hope they are able to screen me for dissociation and stuff... my brain is just so messed up...