For the last few weeks I've felt empty or unable to do anything but chitchat with T.
I was beginning to not want to go, in fact, Monday, I didn't go.
Something happened this week. The paranoia and fear either got triggered by it, or caused it.
So I turn up at session today. Feel the emptiness, feel the chitchat mood going on, alongside all the paranoia and fear going on in my head that I feel I cannot /will not speak about.
UNTIL I do. I begun saying in tired of the chitchat. T sits, sometimes the chitchat leads to deeper stuff. I say "that won't happen, I actively stop it from happening" . T raises her eyes, and then I say "OK I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S ACTUALLY IN MY HEAD" and I begun to spill the beans.
I can't tell you the weight lifted, the release, the feeling is safety, the feeling of gratitude they theres someone I can tell and they can help me with it.
The paranoia and car have been reduced to pebbles, rather than the rocks they've been all week.