Warning- this post turned into a rant about Im not sure what. Please feel free to ignore
Hey. So when my mood is low I always start thinking that everything is bullshqt. And I start to question if there was really ever a time when I was ever not ****ed up. Like did I just pretend to be okay and functioning all those time but I have always just been like this and am good at hiding it??

But then I see I have a degree and a job and an apartment and cats and am still alive, so perhaps i haven't always been faking it. I suppose part of my problem is that when I am out in the world, I don't really present as depressed until I am an emergency. I can joke and laugh and sound rational and ****. Even with my T I sometimes act better than I feel. It's not on purpose. I think it's just so second nature to be that sane version of me, that I don't show anybody the real version of me.

Even when I was hypomanic as all get out after my first trial with Wellbutrin, I was staying up for days with no sleepi and going to work and commuting back and forth 2 hours from my parents house every day. I moved an entire upstairs 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom of a house and recreated it in the downstairs by myself while my parents were away. (My parents were planning to move downstairs since my sister moved out so they wouldn't have to use the stalrs so much).
When it finally came to the ridiculously heavy bedroom set and I realized I couldn't lift it, I started drawing out these elaborate pulley system sketches and looking for rope and ****. Yeah like I was gonna be able to move a giant heavy dresser downstairs by myself!!!
So when that failed i called my aunt and uncle and best friend and asked if they could help me. They came over and we moved al the big stuff. And NOBODY seemd to notice that I was out of my ****ing mind. (My T at the time figured it out after I called her and said how my mind was moving too fast for me to breathe). So I think I am very good at hiding what is going on in my head.

Im sure people notice when i am too up or down but I think it looks somewhat subtle. Or else they notice and just don't say anything. When I was living at home and Prescribed celexa and my mood started to go way up, my parents were just happy that I finally was doing things again and that I wasn't depressed. I think I am clever and charming and more fun to be around when a little high. But maybe that is not real. I don't know what the **** is real anymore. I just feel like a pathetic loser who can't even keep food or clean laundry in the house and who is too screwed up for anyone to ever want to date.

Jeez- this went way dark fast...

I guess my winter depression is still here.
I don't even remember the point of any of this and don't really need anybody to respond or anything but I think I want to save this so I can read it later.
Don't quote me. I may decide i want to delete this laTer.

I think I somehow lose my memory when I start to feel like this because it feels like I have never not been like this. Even though rationally I know that is not true it sure as hell feels like the truth.

Anyway this was just random rant from me so I don't spam the board too much or start sounding like a negative Nellie in other people's threads.

Take care all. It's nice to know you guys exist and are out there in the world.