thank you for the replies…

I’m on abilify, and antidepressant, if that helps…and I’ve been on it for a few years now. I never really noticed any change when I was put on anti-psychotic, because I believe I’ve always felt like this, even without the medicine. I think I’ve always not existed, just, when I was younger, I didn’t know what to call it. I’ve always realized I would have problems as time goes on, I knew it from a long time ago. This also makes me not a real person, because I understand things no one else does.

I think that everything inside my mind is just one big mess. I can’t distinguish anything at all. That's the problem...I have no person. I have no belief system, no opinions at all. I have no real body... I have no emotions or feelings, or if I do, they make no sense.

I also can’t tell the doctor anything because I have sort of a speaking problem, where I will only answer with a few words at a time, but mostly just ‘yes’ ‘no’ or ‘I don’t know’. People get really frustrated with me. I’ve also always been like that, but maybe it got worse over time. I don’t like to share things with other people. I don’t relate to anyone in the entire universe. I think on some level I don't want to.

I guess you could say that the 'experiences' I've had made me who I am, that people in the past treated me badly or ignored me, but generally I think like this: "I have no experiences. I have no past.". Everything about myself is fake. If I smile I think "this isn't me". I'm a different person. I'm constantly looking at my body from far away. It's not just sometimes, I believe it's all the time. But I cannot explain that to anyone. I cannot explain anything to anyone. Because nothing is really true, not me, not my thoughts, nothing.

Sorry if no one really understands, I don't know why I'm complaining anyways. I guess I just don't know what to do and I'm tired of it all....