What happens if I get tired of faking it? Good question.
I think it's exhausting to fake it but it's all I seem to know how to do. I think maybe I would become too broken to be fixed. Idk. I don't even know what the hell I am trying to say here. I dunno if i am a really good actor or if people just see what hey want to see. Im okay. Until I'm not. I wish I had a lid on my head and my T could lift it and just look inside. Or so I could rip out my brain from my skull.

I feel like you know how on the news you see loved ones of somebody who committed suicide who are so shocked and confused because the person who offed themself always seemed so happy and stable.
I understand how that happens. They are people like me.
(Don't worry- I'm not suicidal;Ive just always been scared that i will off myself one day).
I hope this is okay to say. That is not triggerish material bc I don't know how to insert that fancy button that hides it.

Anyhow, I suppose I am just thinking out loud. I think that maybe I am still me even when I am faking it, just maybe the edited for television version.
It's just sometime I feel like such a fraud. Like I am carrying my "functional member of society" card in my pocket at work. And then going home and sitting in the corner of the bedroom in my pjs for 2 days in the same spot rocking back and forth and eating paste.