Hey thanks for your comment! I never really thought about it that way.
I just don't like the idea of turning things back on myself, it feels like I am looking for pity, you know? I don't feel like it is fair to say that these things happened because I don't feel like I deserve love or that I am scared of commitment, because I feel like that is turning it back on me.

But I think you are right and it is something I need to think about to understand why I acted the way I did in order to change and not let it repeat one day.

I have always had a lot of self hate, and not until after I cheated on him did I realize how much I loved him and that is what made everything hurt so much and shocked me. Maybe that is something I need to work on. Thanks for your input.