Quote:
Originally Posted by Wintery
thank you for the replies…
I’m on abilify, and antidepressant, if that helps…and I’ve been on it for a few years now. I never really noticed any change when I was put on anti-psychotic, because I believe I’ve always felt like this, even without the medicine. I think I’ve always not existed, just, when I was younger, I didn’t know what to call it. I’ve always realized I would have problems as time goes on, I knew it from a long time ago. This also makes me not a real person, because I understand things no one else does.
I think that everything inside my mind is just one big mess. I can’t distinguish anything at all. That's the problem...I have no person. I have no belief system, no opinions at all. I have no real body... I have no emotions or feelings, or if I do, they make no sense.
I also can’t tell the doctor anything because I have sort of a speaking problem, where I will only answer with a few words at a time, but mostly just ‘yes’ ‘no’ or ‘I don’t know’. People get really frustrated with me. I’ve also always been like that, but maybe it got worse over time. I don’t like to share things with other people. I don’t relate to anyone in the entire universe. I think on some level I don't want to.
I guess you could say that the 'experiences' I've had made me who I am, that people in the past treated me badly or ignored me, but generally I think like this: "I have no experiences. I have no past.". Everything about myself is fake. If I smile I think "this isn't me". I'm a different person. I'm constantly looking at my body from far away. It's not just sometimes, I believe it's all the time. But I cannot explain that to anyone. I cannot explain anything to anyone. Because nothing is really true, not me, not my thoughts, nothing.
Sorry if no one really understands, I don't know why I'm complaining anyways. I guess I just don't know what to do and I'm tired of it all....
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Thank you for responding to the posts that have been made here and for explaining the sorts of things that you've been going through in more detail. One thing that I thought about when I was reading your original post and and am thinking about even more now that I've read the post that you just made is that at least some of what you've described might be explained as being related to depersonalization and derealization. If you don't know what these terms mean, depersonalization essentially refers to feeling like one's own self isn't real, and what derealization refers to is feeling like the world isn't real. Those who experience depersonalization and/or derealization on an ongoing basis are sometimes diagnosed with depersonalization-derealization disorder, but symptoms of depersonalization and derealization can also occur in those diagnosed with schizophrenia and other mental health conditions.
I'm not qualified to say with any kind of authority that your diagnosis of schizophrenia is incorrect, but I do have to say based on having read what you've written here that the symptoms that you've described sound like they're more in line with what those with ongoing problems with depersonalization and derealization experience than they are with the symptoms of schizophrenia. That's not to say that I can say anything conclusive about what diagnosis might fit you best just based on what you've written here, or again, that I can diagnose you, but I have to wonder based on the way you've described your symptoms and based on the fact that you said yourself that you think your diagnosis of schizophrenia is wrong if you might be onto something. I also have to wonder if the problems that you have with speaking might be interfering with your ability to more thoroughly describe your symptoms to your doctor and if your doctor might end up diagnosing you with something different (possibly depersonalization-derealization disorder, or maybe something different) if he or she could hear you describe what you're going through in more detail.
This is just a suggestion, but one thing you might want to think about if you haven't done this already is describing your symptoms in writing in a way that's similar to what you've done here (or even just printing out some or all of what you've written here) so you can convey the ideas that you have about what you're going through to your doctor in more detail than you'd be able to when speaking to him or her in person. It might be the case that if a diagnosis of something other than schizophrenia might explain your symptoms better than your current diagnosis, the treatment regimen that you're currently following might be able to be improved upon so it can better address the symptoms that seem to be causing you the most impairment and distress.