Can you talk about it in a PM? Maybe if you find the courage to express what you have ruined it will eventually help. Sometimes when we talk about what we are most ashamed of, it stirs things up inside for a while but then having really acknowledged and processed the painful reality, we can move forward, maybe even eventually cry less? Sophiesmom, keep trying. Don't give up. You are worth it. I have gotten to know you here at PC and I really like you. You are my friend. That's a pleasant reality that makes me smile yet also makes me sad because I hope you can heal from some of your pain..... <<hugs>>