Hi.

You didn't say anything wrong or offensive at all.I was going to reply when I read your post but it really got me thinking about things and about my own husband and I wasn't sure what to say.

I have been doing alot of reading about narcissism and gaslighting lately,trying to figure out exactly what it is with my husband and why he is the way he is.But I think I am trying to make him fit into something and trying to diagnose him myself,I guess my thinking is if I know what it is then somehow I can change him or fix him,and somehow get rid of the problems we have in our marriage.

Some of the things on the checklist definitely fit him but some also fit me too,and I think just about everyone could check off some of them or even quite a few of them at some time or another,depending on different situations or factors.If I had been mad at him when I saw the list I would have checked every single one of them for him.

Some questions,like "does your partner lie?"..well,everyone lies at one time or another,and "does your partner lack empathy?",that's something I just said to him recently.But I suppose a true narcissist would be the same all the time,the same patterns and behavior,not just depending on how I perceive him.

I honestly don't know how much is really my husband and how much is my own ****,because of my own issues.

Sorry,this probably doesn't even have anything to do with what you're saying.I guess I'm just thinking out loud here.

I was seriously considering leaving my husband,was finding so many faults with him,focusing on every little flaw.But,the truth is he has his own issues,has his own demons,has his own childhood abuse,both sexual and physical that he has never worked through or even faced.And I am seeing that many things that have really bothered me,things we have argued over,are ways that he copes,and I think many are defense mechanisms.

You said "Does it dismiss his behavior because it has a name now and it's not like he can help it? He will never see it as something and own it".That really made me stop and think.My husband doesn't think his past has any bearing on his behaviors now,he doesn't even consider some things he went through as abuse and just says he deserved it when it was clearly abuse and the physical scars are still there.

I guess all this rambling just means that although I can check things off on the list for him,it doesn't mean it's a correct label for me to put on him.And maybe I need to focus on myself and my own issues instead of trying to change him.I can't force him to change,just the same as he could never and can never change me.I was the one that decided to go to therapy and work on myself and maybe some day he will too.But until or if he ever does,all I can do is decide for myself whether I can tolerate it or not,whether to stay or leave.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm saying or if it even makes sense.But thank you for posting because it has really got me thinking.

I'm sorry if your husband is always like that.And I understand that feeling of freedom because that's how I felt when I was reading about gaslighting.Now that I know what it is I can try to not get caught up in it,and I bought 2 books to try to help myself with it.

I have been married longer than you and I feel it's too many years to just throw away right now.And I feel like if I keep working on myself I will eventually figure out what's best for me.