Thank you so much for your replies! I couldn’t wait to sit down and really read them. They were coming up as I was working.

There are so many things that you said, that are also true for me. I don’t know how to multi quote, so if it’s ok, I’d like to ramble too.

I guess this came to me from my attempt to figure out what could be going on with my husband. I guess I am looking for some answer that would make sense of his behavior and responses to situations and everyday things, also just his lack of empathy and compassion. I’ve been dealing with some pretty hard things and being around him semi triggers me, because I don’t ever know what is about to happen.

Basically, he is the same, behavior and pattern wise. If he’s angry or drinking, it’s much more intense and triggers me more. He has starting being able to “see” it (me being triggered) and he gets mad at me for that. He tells me, “That’s not MY fault!”

There is verbal and emotional abuse. There is also compassion for him, from me. It just feels like if I had an answer to “why?” it would be different. ? Maybe if he had a label for it, then I could analyze it and figure it out.

I don’t want to focus on what’s wrong with him. I’m just working on some tough stuff and he seems to take offense to it. He’s tired of me not being “ok” and from what I am perceiving from that is, that it is a downer to him. I’ve shared some things with him and he doesn’t understand why I can’t just get over it. He doesn’t understand and I can’t explain it to him without him somehow thinking that he’s to blame in some way. Maybe the anger is a defense mechanism for him because he doesn’t understand.

I want to be able to see it for what it is, and learn to deal with it without it triggering me. I hope that at some point that is possible.

He has shared some things from his childhood that were traumatizing to him. I try to remember those in times that he erupts and try to figure out if that has some connection. Usually that happens after I’ve brought myself back.

I wonder, if it’s the way you are genetically made up, or is it (like dissociation) created (don’t know if that’s the right word) in response to trauma, abuse or neglect. I haven’t read enough about it to understand.

He can be kind and caring, and he can show concern and a desire to want to understand, all without empathy or compassion. That is how it feels. It makes me feel kind of like a lab rat being studied. It almost feels manipulative. It feels like he’s doing it to get something out of it.

He reminds me very much of my dad, who I was very afraid of. When I am not in a good place, there is so much anxiety and fear. My husband has never physically hurt me, although threatened, so there is really no grounds to feel that fear and anxiety.

It feels like I’m married to the biggest trigger in my life. There is this sinking feeling that he doesn’t understand and doesn’t care to.

I’m so happy for you, that you have the good times when you are content and happy! I so hope that that comes for me too.

I know that I’m a screwed up mess right now, and he has his issues. I just so want to work through them. I’m so afraid that I won’t be able to work through mine if I’m always on alert mode when I’m around him.

I’m sure someone reading this would say for me to leave. I can’t picture me doing that. Like you, it’s too many years together to just throw away. There is hope somewhere inside. I feel it, but I can’t see it. Maybe it’s compassion that I’m hanging onto hope with.

Thank you for letting me ramble.