Wow. I honestly didn't think I was making any sense...its kind of thrilling to discover that there are other people out there in the world who actually understand what this feels like- I mean it totally sucks that you have to suffer with this crap, but it feels good and somewhat foreign to me to actually feel heard. Or to even speak at all, I suppose.

I worked all this week. Its funny but I think that maybe I feel the most like me when I'm teaching. I mean, not the me that can't get out bed and wants to walk into traffic, or the me that wants to do irresponsible stuff and scream at people to shut the hell up. Not her. But the me that gets super excited about crazy ideas and projects and feeds off the kids exaggerated sense of wonder and thrill at seeing cool stuff for the first time. I like that version of me and I don't think that it is fake. I may fake feeling good when I don't, but otherwise I am my own crazy self in the classroom. Kids don't seem to mind weird.

When I attempt to do the rest of my job, that I am totally acting at. Pretending that I give a **** about grades and tedious paperwork, committees and meetings, schedules and deadlines, the boring hard stuff that overwhelms me and makes me sometimes hate my job. None of that is me at all and it takes a LOT of effort to do it at all, never mind actually appear to be competent at it. Its like I am not even the same person anymore. And I have to be this together, even-keeled person so that coworkers actually believe I am capable and responsible. If I can't summon the strength or energy to get out of bed and need to take a day off from work, I have to make up some physical sickness to explain the reason for my absence.

I don't think I know how to even express what I am feeling half the time. Which could be why I suck at therapy. I hate feeling vulnerable and not in control in front of other people. Actually I'm sort of questioning whether I even know how how to stop pretending to be more functional than I actually am. I wish I could be one of those people who says fxck it and tells the whole damnx world about their MI. I want to stop being my own body double. But I am terrified to be found out as a fraud and a liar and a crazy person. Because then I would have no job and no friends and not even the illusion of a life.

I wonder if this superpower of mine started when I was a kid. When I got sick I had to be okay with everything that was happening so that my parents could be the ones to freak out and worry. I remember my mom commenting on how calm I acted, she was impressed with my maturity. Did I really start faking it at 12 years old?! Or am I just reaching, trying to come up with some concrete and tidy reason that I am like this.

Its interesting that people on here who can no longer fake it seem happier. I suppose it must be a big relief to take off this damn mask and just be able to breathe and not have to always be okay. I think that because I don't always "look" as sick as ppl with a mood disorder who are less adept at faking it, that sometimes I question if maybe I am really not that bad off after all. But if I am being totally honest, at other times, I am terrified that maybe I am so very much worse than I think I am...
Years ago I was ready to check out and still did not think I was anywhere near close to being an emergency. What the fck is wrong with me??

Well, I guess I needed to rant a little. The fact that other people on here seem able to relate to this sort of sucks though, because it is evidence that perhaps I really am bipolar. I think my contradicting diagnoses and the fact that I have been able to fool a lot of people sort of made me convince myself that I don't really have a serious mental illness. That it is all a mistake. When I wrote in my first post how all I wanted was an accurate dx, I lied. I don't want this. I don't accept this. This. Is. Not. Me.

Anyway, thanks for listening.