thanks amanda, for taking the time to write your comments

im trying to go into this with a clear and open mind... but i want to tell them what im feeling and afraid of too... like afraid i have a dissociative disorder...

i dont want to play them, want them to know who i am and what i am... like... i am a nerd sometimes and i read a lot so i have a higher understanding of some things than others maybe... its important to talk to me the proper way... because i pick up every mistake it seems like... and its difficult for me to trust someone that making lots of mistakes with what they saying....

i dunno if that makes sense; i just mean... some people try to play you in order to get information out of you... and it really bothers me when people do that because im not stupid and can see what you are trying to figure out so why not just ask me straight outright...?
or when they lie because they are unable to recall something or accidentally mix up patients...

i just wanna be myself... go and be myself... but i dunno if its going to work because the last time i was in the hospital i just panicked and took on a role to get myself out of there... like... i was fine, ok, and everything was good, but things were really bad it was just that i was so triggered that i needed to get out so bad that i became something else... i dont remember much about it... besides nightmares, i always have nightmares and i tried to tell them about the nightmares but they couldnt help them either....

im done rambling, dunno what i wanted to say... sorry...