so.. i decided to stay in therapy... and i decided that i needed to address the big issue which i have been avoiding in many ways (although T said that everything we have been doing really relates to it anyway through the underlying stuff in what we have talked about). i asked him to not let me wander far from it for now... that i need to keep working at this or i'll never get through it.

let me say that he is truly a wonderful T.. very nice guy, calm, patient, funny. He's understanding and very smart... very perceptive. He reads stuff i give twice, and does it outside of session time. He is very responsive to phone calls and encourages me to leave voicemails even if i dont want him to call back as he knows i find that helpful. He is closr to me right now than most people ever get... maybe more than anyone truly has. i told him so, and when he asked if there was anyone i told him that lots of people think they know me well but they only get portions of me.

my point is that i am very attached to him even though i have serious issues about T's and caring and stuff. i like him tremendously and do not wish to go someplace else.

having said that... i am worried about an aspect of what we are doing.. he is responsive, he does tell me he understands, that he gets it and very importantly he tells me he's not going anywhere.... all good stuff... but i am dying for some kind of deeper empathetic thing.. i don't know exactly what. He has hit it dead on a couple of times.

thing is i do know how to describe what i need... i do know how to set up the right circumstances for an emotional connection... and that in turn brings out the real me, the me who knows what i have been through and what i truly think and feel. It's not an easy thing to do. i can't tell him though. i cant. If i were able to do that half of why i am here wouldn't exist.

i'm stuck and feel pretty desperate. i need to break through this emotional wall and i cant.. i need someone to be chipping away at it from the other side too.

i dont know what to do.

i dont know if he will figure this all out bit by bit on his own...?? any way i can help him without telling him directly? and no, i cant just write it down either... (flushing head repeatedly)

the other side of this.. maybe he wont understand, even if i said it directly. Maybe he isn't that sort of T, you know? i don't know what he would do if i cried.. i mean, i know he wouldn't run sceaming or anything, but i dont know how he would react. Would he talk the same or more softly? Would he sit the same or lean closer?

if he can never meet me half way in this emotional gap i may simply have to leave therapy. i have a hole in my heart that i nee to learn how to close, but to do it someone has to be able to touch it.