Im so sorry that you are having a rough time. Can you talk to T or pdoc? Religious person like your priest/rabbi,etc? Talk to a friend? Only bevause you mention, if you dont make miney soon..think about suidide and you mention only way out is if they die.so i can feel how angry/frustrated/hurt you are...not judging here...just hooing you can talk to someone to let out some if the anger...so you can figure out a plan that works for you.
Good luck-and sometimes our parents are toxic people