thank you sister

i feel the need to cry and i can't. i know i need to, i told him that today at least... that i wish to god i could have a melt down just to release some of the pressure. what i want is for him to help me do that but i cant ask.. i dance around and hint but i dont ask. He's smart and he knows better than to push me... he's really in a bind i guess. i'm guarded and i'm skittish... it doesn't take much to have me retreat.

i want him to lean closer, soften and lower his tone.. i want him to try to catch my gaze.... i want him to talk directly to that part of me that's shaking with fear and pain. i don't want him to say "i understand" i want him to look directly at me and deliberately say "gerber, i understand."

i am dying to have someone hold me so i could just release this tension and cry. i know he can't do that. i don't expect it.. but i do so wish i could express what i need emotionally from him. You dont have to have someone physically cradle you to feel held.