Hey, thanks all for your opinions. Well, I have been thinking about it and by now I guess it was a bit of "forbidden fruit" which just causes excitement and adrenaline, which in return replaces the constant sh!tty feeling of internalised shame, at least temporarily. In a way similiar to getting/being drunk. And once you experienced this sort of relief you want to have it again and again, classical addiction pattern.

But, on top of that I realised more to it. The thing is, because of my experiences in my childhood I was quite a bit of a freak and I was quite unpopular in school and with my peers. Therefore I was very often rejected by people, and often excluded from activities, parties and friendships which is very sad of course, very depressing.

Now, a woman who allows me to see her naked, wasn't for me only a sexual thing, but also ... hard to explain ... some surrogate experience of being included, being wanted, being liked so to say. I guess this was the underlying motive for me. That in return didn't happen very often to me, of course and therefore I was kind of ... taking it myself without the consent of the woman, which is certainly a kind of abuse. But again, I just took what I got, I didn't actively voyeur.

Well, thank you so much everybody for "listening" to me and not blaming me. You guys are really extremely helpful to me, thanks everybody!