thanks soliaree and sunrise. You guys posted while i was fretting over my response to sister.

he knows what the issue is.. but i think you're right, i think he would say the same thing, not to force it. i am just tired of suffering. i have been on my knees for so long... my face in the muck... it's hard to just wait to get up. Then again... maybe it's like what happened after the accident i had... laying down i was in pain but i really wanted to get up and move but if i lifted myself up too far the pain became unbearable, i had to wait as i healed bit by bit. Laying like that for months was so hard even if it was for the better.

sunrise, that is a good point... i should ask him what he would do. i wonder if it could lead to good things maybe..? i worry it would give me stage fright if that makes any sense... like crying would be more of a big deal than it was already... yeah, i'm a freak like that.

thank you for the hug... i need those.