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Originally Posted by TrailRunner14
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Hi TR, sorry for taking so long to respond to this thread. I've some experience with living with a narcissist - my mother was one. Definitely a difficult person and situation to live in and around.
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Originally Posted by TrailRunner14
I've really never understood what it meant to be a narcissist and mostly blamed myself for being too needy and overly sensitive.
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I can empathize.
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Originally Posted by TrailRunner14
So, if his behavior for the past 28 years has a name, does that really change anything?
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For me, the answer is yes and no. If you can internalize the idea that what he has is a medical condition, then you can perhaps re-frame the idea that you are being too needy and overly sensitive. It is not that you are too needy and sensitive, it is that you are in a twenty-eight year emotional drought. That, for me, was liberating and validating. In that way, everything changed for me.
What it did not change for me was whether or not it was acceptable behavior that I found myself living with. Mom's behavior was still unacceptable and I needed to establish boundaries to keep myself safe (which for me eventually consisted of going no contact). Another thing that didn't change after my discovery was that she didn't become better at meeting my needs.
Back to the 'yes' it changes things for a second - I realized that have expectations of my mother meeting my needs had to change and I was going to have to get emotional support and my emotional needs met elsewhere. Understanding this kept me from having to continue beating my head against the wall trying to get the impossible from someone incapable of giving.
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Originally Posted by TrailRunner14
It's not really like there is anything I can do to change anything. I know. Boundaries. I'm working on that.
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There is a lot you can change - just not in him. You can change your relationship with yourself, learn to rely on yourself when possible and making and relying on supportive friends when it is not. We've already talked about it and I'll repeat it now in case you could use some more encouragement - my PM box is ALWAYS open to you.
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Originally Posted by TrailRunner14
Does it dismiss his behavior because it has a name now and it's not like he can help it? He will never see it as something and own it.
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No, it doesn't dismiss his behavior. Nor does it dismiss yours. What I mean by that is this: If you know someone is closed off to you emotionally and will not support you - then choosing to go to that person to get your emotional needs met is not only an exercise in futility but setting yourself up to be hurt. That is the part that you can change about your behavior. It's like trying to text someone on a land line.
<-- if okay.