Quote:
Originally Posted by cielpur
Hopingtrying, I read through this entire thread and the impression I get of your husband is that he is very manipulative and controlling of you. He knows how to push your buttons, so he pushes them a lot. It's as if he needs you to be on edge around him, so that he can keep you in his control. Does that sound accurate? It's just the impression I get about your husband's character based on what you've written here.
No, your husband has no business monitoring anything that you're doing. 1. You are not a child. You are an adult. It is none of his business where you go online, to seek support. 2. There is such a thing as having boundaries in relationships. It doesn't sound like your husband and you have very clear boundaries, but are rather too enmeshed with your boundaries. 3. I didn't like reading how your husband tries to control you, with is remarks about not letting you buy your son's favorite organic food vs. commercial type. That is just plain controlling behavior. It comes across to me, like your husband doesn't respect you or the close relationship you have with your children, so he wants you to fear him, and choose him over them. I could be way off, because this is the internet.
I would just try to stand your ground, set clear boundaries with your husband by not being afraid to call him out on his controlling behavior. If you need another adult to mediate, seek marriage counseling so you have another witness to all the abuse your husband inflicts upon you (controlling behavior, verbal abuse, trying to keep you in a victim role).
If you have to take your meds to keep your husband calm, that is very disturbing to me because the meds are supposed to be for your benefit -- not his.
Anyway, good luck. I hope you can work things out. Your husband doesn't sound like he is a good marriage partner to you or a good father to his children based on what I've read in this thread.
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He really does try to keep me away from our kids. The thread is gone because they do not keep the depression threads as long as the Relationships threads but November 22, 2016, I posted a thread called, "What do you do when the person you love was the one that made you suicidal?" I changed my userid after that. I think I know that I really need to leave him but am afraid of the struggles I am going to face when I do. Plus, I still love him in many ways. I have a copy of some of the thread because I posted it to a program I use to print things to read to my T. Here it is:
And when your number one promise to yourself is to never get that way again or disrupt the lives of the people you love.
I am not suicidal but had a very intense conversation last night with my son (and in the past with my daughter) . They worry about me because of my attempt in April 2015 and because they feel like I will never truly be happy as long as I am with H. I love him but think that they are right that H controls us through fear and bullying. I want to make it clear that he has never hit us. We didn't believe in spanking our children ever. He loves me and I know I make him happy but he has controlled my life to the point of limiting many of the things I would like to do.
To complicate matters, one of the reasons my children are still at home and not meeting their potential is their concern for me. It is important for me to help my children move on and for them to no longer worry about me.
My son recently completed his enlistment paperwork and it will likely be final (still needs his physical, etc. right now) on November 28th. Of course I want him to be able to get on with his life. He has been talking to recruiters for months but before he was able to finalize the paperwork, he needed to discuss a lot of his hard feelings about growing up in our unjoyful household and his concern about my welfare. I think that boot camp may be less toxic than my home is! Yes, it is terrible, you really have to watch what you say and do around here sometimes. I worry that his childhood anxiety will always be with him. Many PC people understand that this is a rational fear.
I also feel like my daughter is not able to fully break away and get on with her life, due in part, to her worries about me. My attempt was a terrible shock and interruption for all the people who love me. H and I have made up and sometimes I really enjoy the time I spend with him but the truth is that if I challenge him about certain things, he does not back down or admit many of his faults. It causes me to have to keep part of my thoughts/some of the "real me" sort of buried. It is hard to be totally care free with him in the way that I am when I am only with my children or my sister, brother or dad.
When I made my attempt (1st week of April) last year, I was in ICU for a while and totally out of it. H has admitted that it was a very intense scene outside of my room at times (Problems between H verses my dad, brother and sister). When I was released from the hospital, my family (dad, brother, sister, uncle, aunt, cousins, son and daughter) all were concerned I was being abused and were encouraging me to leave H. I thought it best to make no decisions. I was in shock and pain; I couldn't even walk far or drive until June/July last year. I thought it best to make no decision at all. I was still very sick both physically and mentally. I was taking my days one hour at a time. Just trying to survive the pain and live through the boredom of my temporary self induced dependent, irrelevant state. While I was healing, H was very patient with me. As time went by, we talked more and I had feelings of love for him that reminded me of how I felt about him when we first met.
Back to the original question: What do you do when the person you love was the one that made you suicidal? Will I be able to remain stable when my children leave given the dynamic between H and I? I am in a relationship where H has all the control but I don't feel ready to leave what I have known for 29 years. Though there is delayed maintenance, I have a nice home in a nice neighborhood and live where it is not too cold. I am not financially independent. I care about H in many ways but he was the one who made me suicidal.
I am not feeling suicidal but this week, H said that if I leave him he predicts that I will kill myself within two years. Earlier this week, the scene between H and my son was just like the one that occurred the first time my children left. It made me think--if I stay with him (and the children have left), will that make my suicidal thoughts return? This is a life or death question for me.