Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopingtrying
He really does try to keep me away from our kids. The thread is gone because they do not keep the depression threads as long as the Relationships threads but November 22, 2016, I posted a thread called, "What do you do when the person you love was the one that made you suicidal?" I changed my userid after that. I think I know that I really need to leave him but am afraid of the struggles I am going to face when I do. Plus, I still love him in many ways. I have a copy of some of the thread because I posted it to a program I use to print things to read to my T. Here it is:
And when your number one promise to yourself is to never get that way again or disrupt the lives of the people you love.
I am not suicidal but had a very intense conversation last night with my son (and in the past with my daughter) . They worry about me because of my attempt in April 2015 and because they feel like I will never truly be happy as long as I am with H. I love him but think that they are right that H controls us through fear and bullying. I want to make it clear that he has never hit us. We didn't believe in spanking our children ever. He loves me and I know I make him happy but he has controlled my life to the point of limiting many of the things I would like to do.
To complicate matters, one of the reasons my children are still at home and not meeting their potential is their concern for me. It is important for me to help my children move on and for them to no longer worry about me.
My son recently completed his enlistment paperwork and it will likely be final (still needs his physical, etc. right now) on November 28th. Of course I want him to be able to get on with his life. He has been talking to recruiters for months but before he was able to finalize the paperwork, he needed to discuss a lot of his hard feelings about growing up in our unjoyful household and his concern about my welfare. I think that boot camp may be less toxic than my home is! Yes, it is terrible, you really have to watch what you say and do around here sometimes. I worry that his childhood anxiety will always be with him. Many PC people understand that this is a rational fear.
I also feel like my daughter is not able to fully break away and get on with her life, due in part, to her worries about me. My attempt was a terrible shock and interruption for all the people who love me. H and I have made up and sometimes I really enjoy the time I spend with him but the truth is that if I challenge him about certain things, he does not back down or admit many of his faults. It causes me to have to keep part of my thoughts/some of the "real me" sort of buried. It is hard to be totally care free with him in the way that I am when I am only with my children or my sister, brother or dad.
When I made my attempt (1st week of April) last year, I was in ICU for a while and totally out of it. H has admitted that it was a very intense scene outside of my room at times (Problems between H verses my dad, brother and sister). When I was released from the hospital, my family (dad, brother, sister, uncle, aunt, cousins, son and daughter) all were concerned I was being abused and were encouraging me to leave H. I thought it best to make no decisions. I was in shock and pain; I couldn't even walk far or drive until June/July last year. I thought it best to make no decision at all. I was still very sick both physically and mentally. I was taking my days one hour at a time. Just trying to survive the pain and live through the boredom of my temporary self induced dependent, irrelevant state. While I was healing, H was very patient with me. As time went by, we talked more and I had feelings of love for him that reminded me of how I felt about him when we first met.
Back to the original question: What do you do when the person you love was the one that made you suicidal? Will I be able to remain stable when my children leave given the dynamic between H and I? I am in a relationship where H has all the control but I don't feel ready to leave what I have known for 29 years. Though there is delayed maintenance, I have a nice home in a nice neighborhood and live where it is not too cold. I am not financially independent. I care about H in many ways but he was the one who made me suicidal.
I am not feeling suicidal but this week, H said that if I leave him he predicts that I will kill myself within two years. Earlier this week, the scene between H and my son was just like the one that occurred the first time my children left. It made me think--if I stay with him (and the children have left), will that make my suicidal thoughts return? This is a life or death question for me.
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You are the victim in a cycle of abuse by your husband. That is very clear.
Well, since you already know that you should leave your abusive husband and the dysfunctional marriage that you're currently trapped in with him, then that is something you need to plan for. Fear is only perception, used by predators to trick their prey, especially by men who use fear as a manipulative tool to control their fearful wives.
Do not worry about how your children will react when you leave their father. They will either understand and support you and reject him, or not. That is not your concern. They are grown adults. In fact, do not forewarn the children that you plan to leaven their father, because they will likely tell your husband since they are old enough to be living in apartments with roommates. They have lived with this abusive parenting, abusive home environment for their entire lives. Watching their mother leave their *** of a father will probably be a sense of relief for the children. Change is hard and scary, because it is different. But change isn't always bad.
Set up a plan for yourself. There are womens' shelters in every city, in every state that accommodate circumstances like yours. Contact those shelters, find out what their bed space availability is. As far as finances and food/gas coverage, you can also apply for food EBT/SNAP and your social worker can provide you with $20 gas cards on a weekly basis.
So you see, there are a plethora of resources available to help women in your situation who are being abused by their husbands; regardless of whether that abuse is physical, verbal, or psychological.
Although your husband only verbally abuses you now, there is always the possibility that verbal abuse from him will escalate to physical abuse. Leaving him is a real possibility for you, because there are resources available to you, that will help you navigate your life away from your abusive husband. His threats are veils. He knows that his threats are why you stay. But someday, he may carry out his threats. Do you really want to stay to find out when that day comes?
Inner strength exists within us all. If you choose to tap into your own, you will be surprised at how easy it will be to leave your husband despite the threats he makes to keep you around, in a perpetual state of victimhood. Once you tap into your inner strength, he will no longer have any kind of hold on you. And that is his greatest fear. That you won't be around for him to victimize and manipulate. But you deserve better. Only you can make that life course alteration.