I ended up staying home today. I just couldn't bring myself to get out for the holiday. I am extremely depressed and I am missing my husband desperately.

I have emailed him 3 times today to tell him how much I love him. I feel pathetic. He has thrown me away as if I never meant anything to him and I am chasing him like a silly school girl. I love him so much my heart aches.

I did receive a phone call yesterday from my pastor which was very nice. He was just calling to check on me. He also sent me a text message today and told me that my husband had sent him a text or email saying, 'happy Thanksgiving'. I was surprised because my pastor has really been pulling for our marriage and my husband has quit returning his phone calls over the past few weeks because he was feeling pressured. I wonder if the text/email that went out to him was a bulk message.

Anyway, I called my attorney yesterday and told him to put my divorce papers through. My husband claims he contacted his lawyer already, but I don't know the exact day. I am very nervous and I can't believe this might actually be happening. I am scared to death and even after all the fighting, cheating, lying, and every other hell my husband has put me through, I still love him.

My T says I should not believe anything until I am standing in front of a judge or signing final divorce papers. My husbands bi-polar has wreaked havoc on my life, but I still can't let go.

What is wrong with me? Will I ever get over this man? I feel as if he is the only one for me and I can't live without him. I have loved him since our first date almost 7 years ago.

This is the worst pain I have ever felt.