Hi Jinnyann honey,
I agree with Sabby. Guys are fixers. I remember my husband telling me all the time that the worst feeling he ever felt around me and my illness, was feeling "helpless."

I would try the direct route with Tony. Tell him what you need and let him do it, whether it be hugs, "I love you's" or a shoulder rub. I remember years ago when I was having terrible panic attacks, ones that would wake me from a dead sleep with my heart racing at 125 beats a minute. His way of "helping" me was to play backgammon with me until my body settled down and I could go back to sleep.

Maybe you can make a communication game of it? Ask him to write a numbered list of things you can do to make him feel special and loved. Then you do the same and exchange lists. Then, if you need something, you can ask for a #10 special, or something cute like that. Or, I'll trade you a #6 for a #3...you get it.

It will work if you can think of something to make you each smile, and get you both feeling like you're on the same team.

Let me know if you think this could help. You're such a love! I hate to hear you're suffering so.
Best,
Okie