Quote:
Originally Posted by glamslam
You can create "distance" by not replying to his e-mail messages ... anything like chat or Skype wouldn't help change the dynamics because it's in "real time." If he calls you on the phone, screen your calls. Call back on another day. Same with E-mail. You're more in control.
I would only do communication that is not in "real time." You are setting a safe boundary for yourself that way. He's stomping on your boundaries so put that in place, IMO.
He seeks immediate gratification and he thinks he may be able to get that from you. Be friends via e-mail or screened calls. Just don't flirt back...he may liken it as a "pursuit" and that could encourage him. Talk as if his wife is listening in, think of it that way.
I think you can diffuse the situation significantly by doing the above. If he still carries on flirting:
When you talk to him....you can get the message across clearly and without drama. For example, say his wife goes out of town again and he suggests you visit him. Being his friend, you could say, "You sound lonely, are you doing ok? By the way, tell me how your wife is these days. I'd love to meet her in person, so if I was financially able to afford to visit...I'd like to come when you are both home."
He will get the message right there. You won't have to "call him out" or embarrass him. I think it might be worth continuing the friendship as people make mistakes and past times he has been a good friend. Keep the boundaries up, though. It's healthy for you, especially since you have men flirting with you online a lot. (You might want to instill boundaries in that regard, as you said you feel vulnerable.)
If he still presses you - I would end the friendship...directly or fade him out. Whatever works for you. He'd really be trying to use you if he kept the one-way flirting and encouraging the "wife's away" invitations.
I hope that helps. Don't stress too much. I've read one of your posts and you're going through hard times. This isn't something you've done wrong and you handle it however you like. And that could be to do nothing for now...or ever. He will move on or he will work on his own issues with his marriage.
I agree he's being inappropriate - his wife would likely be unhappy if she knew what he is doing (flirting, asking you to visit him while his wife is gone). Being that you like him (as a friend) and liked communicating with his wife,
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Thank you so much. This was really thoughtful advice. I liked how you looked at all sides.
Mike is basically a good guy but a bit of a narcissist. That's why I don't want to "call him out" as he could get all offended and mean about it. And as you noted I am having enough trouble in my life.
I think it is just as you stated. His wife is away and he's lonely. He isn't really stopping to think how this might affect me. That is...all his flirting. I have NEVER EVER EVER flirted with him. I think he is a nice person but he has always been married since I have known him and I NEVER EVER EVER flirt with married men. It was a rule I made for myself when I was about 19 years old and I never broke it. Frankly I just find it kind offensive and crude when married men act single. Not that it should matter but I don't find Mike attractive in that way. I met him when he was part of a couple (as I was) and then again later he was part of a couple. That is why it distresses me when he goes out of the boundaries.
All my emails can be read by is wife Betty. In fact I always send her greetings in my emails. Sometimes Mike even prints out my emails so it is easy for Betty to read. I like to talk to them about cultural things going on in my country because they live abroad. I talk about politics etc. I even talked about April the pregnant giraffe.
This is just a case where I feel kind of like...my boundaries get invaded.
About the OTHER MEN I talked about. I specifically said that some men come online and act like they are single and start private messaging me and flirting. They don't reveal that they have a partner or significant other until much later on. So in this instance if I am being flirty it is because I think it is with a single man.
Some of you out there might have experienced this on dating sites. I have. Men are still married when they go on these sites. They list their status as single when they are married but separated, or in some cases still married and living with their spouse.
In this case I am not going to write Mike about how I don't like this. I am just going to fade him out for now. Sometimes I don't hear from him for 6 months or even almost a year but then he always comes back. I think I am just going to keep my emails short and more formal. I might even address them to "Mike and Betty" all the time, which I think would be appropriate.
For now I have so much stress in my life I really can't deal with Mike. He would like me to tell him all about my personal life but then I think it gets into my giving him too much information. Damn. I just wish married men would email their wives and no one else when the wives are away.