Quote:
Originally Posted by glamslam
Money doesn't buy happiness. I was ... very wealthy ... when I was with my ex. We married poor and both graduated from college and got jobs. We made a lot of money. More than we knew what to do with, truly. I'm a lawyer but I'm now disabled. My financial picture has changed, my housing, his lifestyle hasn't. We spent 700k to divorce...lots of cash wasted on legal fees because he didn't want me to have what's legal and dragged it four 1/2 years...in a no-contest divorce state. Money doesn't equate happiness.
That said, it is stressful to not know how your next bill will be paid. I have been poor before. If you can't make more money and need money, find ways to spend less.
I'm sorry regarding your son. Maybe he is being manipulated by his father, controlled. My ex told our daughter that if she didn't like his new live-in girlfriend--he told our sweet teenager her relationship with him would change for the WORSE. I have her in therapy, as he controls her on the 50% time she is with him.
Your son is older, but he didn't choose his parents...he may be in a situation of control. Reach out to him, don't complain (you posted wanting to work on that), tell him you love him. Don't mention his father. I know it's hard. I understand. Is he empathetic, your son?
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You know, my son is an artist and so does not like to use a lot of words and that is difficult long distance. When we are together visiting it can go both ways. He can be extremely gnarly and I don't back down and we have huge fights. When that blows over we go back to being in sync...we love to cook together, hike together, and if we drink a little wine with dinner he relaxes and talks more. In other words in person I kind of know him. The distance makes it harder. He communicates with his body, gestures, expressions and actions. He is not a young man of words.
I have not been...sigh...very good about the ex. I can go along for months and not mention him...and then I have a meltdown. I didn't see him for years and then saw him a few years ago at one of my son's art shows. My ex started talking and within 5 minutes I remembered why I cannot stand him. He is a narcissist...that's all. He once told me his ego was big enough to blow the roof off our house. It was a joke but I always remembered. He controls EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.
My son feels "in the middle." He blames me for putting him there. WTF. I didn't initiate the divorce! I am very sorry to hear what your ex does with your daughter. That seems criminal. Absolutely criminal. It makes my blood boil. My son didn't talk directly to my ex's new wife for five years. I cannot imagine how weekends went in that house when my son was there. I think it has now changed but I have no idea.
My ex spoils my son and I mean spoils. Always has. My son went to a prestigious school for higher education and came out of it debt free. My ex took him on exotic vacations, bought him sports equipment, cars, clothes, art supplies, cameras, and other equipment. Always entertains him and his girlfriends in high style. In a way this is kind of manipulative. That's why I say money buys happiness. It appears to me that my ex buys everything...even people.
It APPEARS as if my ex has a very good life. We started out together young and poor and worked our way up to a nice life. Then because of his bad business dealings we lost our home, savings, everything. He divorced me and went on to recouperate as he has tremendous earning power.
I am frugal.
I have huge student loan debt from a master's I pursued after the divorce but I never created a career. If only I improved my self esteem. Because I do have the education. I could write and publish on the side.
Yes, this is why I wanted to adopt the no complaining thing. I am frozen in some dark underworld. I think I need to force myself out of it.
I do complain to EVERYONE. And everyone has distanced themselves. Go figure!!!
So this is one thing I started. In fact I started it today...just 45 minutes ago. I think this post has been complainy and I might need to start over.
Ultimately I DO believe my son's relationship with his father is none of my business because my son is an adult now. But I always feel excluded from some "shiny, bright life" he has with his father. My ex tends to do a lot of the same things with his wife that we did. And more. I am a big horse person and am a fan of the horse whisperer. I remember in the first year of my divorce my ex called me one weekend to ask when to pick up our son, and he added, "Guess where (the wife) and I went this weekend? To see the horse whisperer! You would have loved it." Doesn't that sound like a narcissist? It gave him an extra jolt to tell me he did something he knew I would have loved.
I still do believe money buys happiness. I feel like my ex is constantly buying my son but I could be wrong. The funny thing is that my son and I both live rather spartan lives. We both drive really old vehicles...have apartments filled with art and vintage furniture...eat and cook simple meals...rarely drink... are always talking about ways to make and save money so in a weird way we are kindred frugal souls. I should trust he loves me. I should really stop complaining altogether. It would be the very best gift I could give my son.
I can be such a freaking idiot. It is because I have too much freaking pain right now.