I popped in to read your letter and thought not of depression immediately but PTSD. When you mix depression and anxiety and speak of spiraling to what would be the end -- a panic attack, that is the PTSD I know so well. And then when I read you were raped by an ex and you still are triggered (a very PTSD term) by your current SO's actions, that is characteristic PTSD. And it is especially high with women who have been raped. More so than men in combat.
Take this very seriously. Get to a good therapist. It is a merry go round finding one but be insistent on finding one who understands PTSD from a female perspective. I have fired therapists for getting their calendar wrong for my appointments.
Then get to a psychological or psychiatric nurse practitioner who is also familiar with PTSD. She (and I mean she) can prescibe the drugs you will need to help your depression. Usually Zoloft or Wellbutrin, and maybe Ativan for panic attacks. You will need something to help you sleep.
You bf is detaching himself. He probably feels he has to in order to carry on with bills and keep a job. Aim for the soul in him, not his love. Love is that magic word that makes you fell so wonderful but it is not an accurate word to describe a relationship that is a true bond. Be assertive when you argue. Use declarative sentences not questions or commands. Watch your anger. Look for the soul in him and follow it for a while. Know when to stay silent and when to talk.
For those times when you are spiraling down to depression or a panic attack, stop yourself. Learn to breath. You are in fear of what is coming. Your shoulders raise. Your blood goes to the extremities. You are readying for battle. Take in a breath through your mouth to a count of say 5. Hold for a second and let it out to a count of 5. Breath from your belly. Watch your navel go in and out as you count.
You are getting oxygen to your brain when the raised shoulders (called the Warrior Posture) is increasing carbon dioxide, causing confusion and unclear thinking. Empty your mind. There is nothing you need there anyway. Let it go.

After a while you will feel a sense of calm returning. This technique is known in studies to be better than taking 5 mg of xanax. Go for walks. Doesn't have to be a long time but go, get out of your current environment. Come back when you feel like it. Your best ideas come from an interphase or resting period where your right and left hemispheres of your brain can resolve issues that may go back years. Remember trauma victims live in the past. We are constantly recreating the trauma that remains unresolved and may never be. Live in the here and now. The future can come later. Look at your feet as a reminder that you must think of now, not then. Being raped is a big scar you must heal from first.
I hope this helps. It sounds like your BF is a good man and will come around if you touch his soul. Good luck to you.