First time was 13, but I didn't really start until I was 15. Relapsed three times, and I'm now 22. Last time was in March that lasted through April, and I've been having serious thoughts lately again. Usually during mixed/depressive... Though manic, I've had really intensive episodes of active suicidal ideation and massive mental breaks. Kind of odd.

Also, mixed episodes=the worst in my opinion. Seriously. I'm not sure if I'd rather mixed or straight depressive.

Though a form self-harm I hadn't thought of and is less frequent, I tend to punch a wall or a desk or my own hand or leg when it comes high-intensity emotion (anger, frustration, sadness) or lack thereof with just emptiness. I've been Dx'd Borderline Personality Disorder; I feel the emptiness or emotions at very intensely at times, and respond at the drop of a dime.

I'm guessing a decision has been made by now, so I have you're safe regardless of your choice. I wish you a safe and speedy recovery. You can do this. Self-harm is not an easy recovery. <3