I remember my Granny said something before about how everyone from her time who she was close with (other than us, and her children) are all gone and dead now. I didn't really understand what that felt like, or really what she meant. Obviously I don't understand to the same extent, but lately I have been bummed. It comes on and off.

3 of my high school friends have died.

One of them died recently, I hadn't talked to him in around 3 years, and we were only really close for a summer before he moved away from where I lived in with a boyfriend. But in the time we were friends he was really helpful to me in a period of time I was really depressed. I feel sad about his death, he was just 19. I haven't had the heart to ask how he passed away.

Another friend died August 1st 2016 (early in the morning). His ex girlfriend is (now) one of my closest friends, he was schizophrenic and was discharged from the hospital the day before. He was fine, according to her, then something switched in him and he ended his life. That came as a big shock to me, even though it shouldn't have. He mentioned 3 days before feeling like he wanted to do something of the kind and I talked to him on the phone to calm him down, and I had visited him in the hospital a week before. I don't know why I didn't think to contact authorities, I thought he was okay, but his mind was not really okay.

And the one that hurt me the most, happened in July 7, 2015. Devon, my highschool friend and ex boyfriend died from suicide. The other losses I can deal with better, they just make me feel almost defeated? This one still hurts me. Me and devon grew further apart with time, I didn't realize he was schizophrenic, in highschool I didnt completely know what it meant and he would accuse me of weird things and I got tired of it and insulted and stopped talking to him. For a while he was doing really well, and we talked on occassion but he had a gf, went to a different school, things were good in both our lives so we were just kind of living them. Then I was hospitalized for suicide idealization and a panic attack type of thing for 2 weeks and he was at the hospital. He had been there around 6 months and we hung out there all that time. He was such a kind person, he was all about helping me when I was there even though he was the one who was really sick, I was just going through a hard time. Anyways, I got out of the hospital and didn't visit like I said I would. I felt like I had the time to do it, and put it off. One day I said i couldn't meet him at the mall, I was helping a friend with dinner but I wish I went. I was only like 15 minutes away. Anyways, that night he killed himself because they weren't seeing progress and wanted to move him to another hospital. There were probably other reasons too (he heard god and the devil talking to him, ect). But I can't help think it would have been different. My personality changed after this, and sometimes I think I see him from the corner of my eye. Whenever I think I am over it, it hits me again.

I don't know what I am asking LOL I think I just wanted to rant. I thought I saw Devon yesterday and I was just hurting.