Hello evnoiia: I'm sorry I cannot really offer anything with regard to your concerns.

This may be something you will need to explore, over a period of time, with the help of a mental health therapist. However I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So...

to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks!

May the time you spend here be of benefit.
PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become.

Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!