Quote:
Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ
Hey Moth-fly,
What I write below is not meant to hurt your feelings. I just want to plant seeds in your head now that you are on a new road to recovery.
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Appropriate little preface there, I genuinely wish I heard that more often, ahaha!
Quote:
Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ
I am glad you are self-aware enough to realize the tendency to self-diagnose.
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On the topic of self-awareness specifically, I feel like my self-awareness went way too far a long time ago. Like I'm
so self-aware that it's not even self-awareness anymore, questioning [what feels like] every thought, every impulse, "is this thought actually
true?" but I figure, a thought is a thought and it doesn't really have any grounds in reality until I act on it, so, but I end up labeling most of my thoughts as "bad" by this point. Trying not to hurt anyone actually, kind of really f@cking hurts. Haha.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ
come to understand that you are simply an individual who experiences a set of criteria listed in Borderline Personality Disorder. You are not intrinsically Borderline Personality Disorder... Remember that.  |
I mean I understand this in principle, yes, but I admittedly still catch myself trying to form-fit the diagnosis, whoops. On one hand, I'm glad I reached a hypothetical epiphany
now instead of later down the road (when my stability probably would've been a lot worse had I no guesses to go on), but actually reading more about Borderline has rubbed off on me weird; somehow I've developed this bad habit of describing my emotions using buzz-words commonly associated with Borderline, and I have to remind myself "no, that's not how
any mental illness works, not every negative thought has to fit the diagnosis to a T".
Quote:
Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ
Try not to attach yourself to the illness. We humans like to attach to whatever is comfortable and make sense... Although the diagnosis fits and we can make sense of our past and current behavior - we must not befuddle our ability to remain a human being outside the confines of the illness at hand.
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You'll notice I keep describing "my BPD" as hypothetical; because honestly, a part of me still can't bring myself to believe it. There are times when I'm only 20% sure about having BPD (why do we call it BPD anyway, in what context am I supposed to read "Borderline"?), then I'll amp up to 92% only to drop to 47% later. Point being... well I don't actually know if this is the point I'm making, but I feel like I have to say, everything feels true when I first think it, and there are times when I've told a friend something emotionally-charged only to realize "Wait, how much of that do I actually believe?" I might not constantly think "I'm Borderline," but I
do seem to be getting to the point where I think "I
am my emotions," which... definitely isn't good, and also wrong.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ
While it is okay to rest in this diagnosis for the sake of self-awareness, gaining insight into our afflictions and learning about it, meeting fellow sufferers and creating a sense of community, we must remember that it is only a list of criteria that bends, shifts and changes over time. We WANT it to change. We don't WANT to be Borderline. Remember that. |
Mm-hmm, yes, I
do want to change. Change is good. Little changes are inevitable, but
this is something I have to make a conscious effort to change, so I feel.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ
Hope this helps. |
I mean I understand most of this in principle, but I also didn't know I was waiting to hear most of this. I guess I was expecting the wrong person to say it, ahaha. Thank you!