I mean I wasn't expecting him to have an answer for my every scuffle, God knows that's humanly impossible for one person, but if I could just get something that sounded more, sympathetic? Nowadays it's a feedback loop of "Seriously, I don't know how to help you, please talk to your therapist about this." as if I haven't heard that already. I'm not forgetting, I'm not a f@cking idiot; if anything, I already have... he already helped me find all the answers I need, the real trouble is just, figuring out how to apply those solutions to... whatever's plaguing me. I feel like he has a specific picture of what I'm going through, which is weird because I don't actually have a clue. I mean I told him what I thought I was going through, only to later realize "wait, it's not THAT simple, I can't humanly condense this into a bite-size... thing."

And he keeps assuming I want his help, I never even asked! Otherwise I would've phrased it like a question or, you know, said "help me" point-blank. Not everyone who's lost wants to be found, you know? I mean I want, SOME sort of help, and I know full well he can't give me that, just... He's totally fine giving pick-me-ups to anyone who openly expresses their low self-esteem, that's just a "friend" thing to do, right? If someone says "wait am I actually the worst," a response like "what no you're the best" is just common courtesy, right? Because friendship! It's just, to me, that behavioural pattern's always felt like a cheap ploy for attention, usually I don't complain about the same thing twice for I feel I run the risk of sounding like a f@cking child,

but I know my core's just begging for something as basic as that and it'd be so much easier to just, be like everyone else. Actually complain about what's plaguing me because it's okay to be weak. Actually figure out and articulate, with words, what's plaguing me. It's currently much more "me" to have a little meltdown and decline explaining myself, because even I don't have the aptitude to express even that. It's currently much more "me" to just, get in the way without planning ahead. It's currently much more "me" to...

Why is this thought-process so focused on me? He's a human being too, he has a life outside of me and, actual responsibilities and, honestly he's struggling with way more than I am right now. None of his other friends quite go through as much, but they've also figured out how to, actually be his friends. I'm sorry, I should be treating you better than this, I'm sorry. I know you believe in me, so, I'll make it out of this, sorry.