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UpDownMiddleGround · Mar 14, 2017, 05:46 AM

I have been experiencing a bit of paranoia over the last two weeks or so. It started off really bad but settled down some over time. I thought initially that it was leading to psychosis and didn't really want to tell anyone about it. (I posted about it in the bipolar forum).

Two weeks ago when I went in for my therapy appointment, my mood was pretty low. Hopelessness, etc. My therapist told me then that what I was experiencing had to do with trauma. I didn't really believe her because I couldn't identify anything specific that was causing me to feel that way.

Yesterday, we put the pieces together. Oh. My. Goodness. I am a mess now.

Possible trigger:

I had a car accident about two months ago. I froze after the accident and was kind of disconnected from what was going on around me. I was with it enough to call the police. When the officer arrived, she instantly lit into me about how I had to be speeding at the time of my accident in order to end up where I was. i certainly didn't feel like she was there to help. (By the way, I wasn't speeding . . . it was raining). That accident and interaction with the officer sent me into a tailspin and I have been there since it happened.

Well, we uncovered yesterday that my interaction with her is tied to not being able to trust the adults in my environment as a child. We did EMDR and brain spotting yesterday. From that, all of this sexual abuse stuff started coming up again. It's been a while. . . will I ever get better?

I'm trembling as I'm typing this. My heart rate has increased, and I feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin.

I keep getting these flashes of memories. Some seem to be non threatening so I'm not sure why they are coming up. Stuff I have not thought about in years. I really don't want to process all of this. I want it to stop. . .