lol. That's totally me.

I actually confused my first therapist. I was heavily suicidal and felt like there was nothing to live for, but I was making stupid jokes and smiling.

I think part of it was me trying to be positive and likeable. I didn't want to come across as a total fun sucker. THe other part of it was using smiles and happiness as a coping mechanism.

Oh yeah, and a really WEIRD thing: I used to work in a research lab, and my professor and I were talking about 9/11 for some reason. Then I was like, "I had two family members who died in 9/11." Then I was smiling! I think I was just trying to stay positive and prevent myself from crying.

Even right now, I feel so horrible... but whatever

Can you think of why you might be that way? Coping mechanism?