Getting used to "it" is a fallacy when it comes to the experiences you have described in your history. When you were a child no one actually sat down with you to comfort you and tell you how to handle the challenges you went through. A lot of the things you did in excess were an effort to help you "cope" without what you had needed and quite frankly deserved to have. Anxiety stems from being left alone with our feelings and not having a presence there to help us with these feelings and fears.

Your mother sounds like a nice person and she did make an effort to engage you in experiencing some positive things, she did love you. The problem is that when she was not able to be "there" with you, you were left to worry and struggle emotionally alone when someone should have been "there" for you to help you.

I am so sorry that happened to you and sadly one of the things my daughter shared with me is that when I was very sick and had some major health issues (I almost died), no one was "there" for her and she felt very scared and alone. That upset me terribly because that is something I would NEVER want her to experience and I even feel angry about how when I was incapacitated it resulted in her not having someone there for her.

I am VERY sorry you needed and felt so alone and how that went unnoticed. Unfortunately, that does happen way too much and can contribute to some life long challenges that affect way too many people. This is the reason for what you noticed happen when your mother was sick and the friends she had dwindled. This is reflecting the "lack" in people more than her deserving to have them around her in a way that could be helpful to her. Your mother sounds like the kind of individual that was a positive beacon that others were drawn to. However, often what is absent is how these others need "guidance" which is why they flock to begin with, yet fail in a way you experienced and still experience.

What you have described of your siblings is also a reflection of what they did not get either and the ways they tried to fill that need themselves. The brother who responds negatively towards you is reflecting how inadequate "he" really is and even to the point where he can be mean. This is reflecting his great discomfort in this area, and has no bearing on your deserving. Interesting that one of your other brothers got involved with psychology, again that was an effort on his part to find a way to fill "his" void. That being said, that still doesn't mean he can adequately give you what you need, but he may be more approachable then your other brother that clearly lacks except in an area where he may draw in others in a grandiose way.

In order to understand narcissism and how different individuals set on the spectrum it is important to investigate the "lacks" behind how these individuals set on that spectrum. It is important to understand that often behind a facade of what seems like "strength" there often can be a deep degree of "shame" and anxiety. Often it is males that develop narcissistic behaviors and a lot of that is due to how they have long been expected to hide their emotions and "man up". Often when it comes to males, they tend to "challenge" others and the reason they do that is because that is how they were taught and often they do that to make up for what they did not get early on when they had "normal" emotional challenges.

Anxiety results from an unmet need and being lost when in need and it typically originates from unresolved unmet emotional needs. This is something that has been given a whole area of study called CEN, which means childhood emotional neglect and the effects that has on different people. It may benefit you to look that up and read about what has been learned in this area because it can help you look at the lacks in others and yourself differently then you do now.

Anxiety and depression can lead to one turning their anger inward when that is the last thing that person deserves.