Lately, I wonder if one reason why I am kind of depressed, is because I am craving that 'high' feeling from euphoric manic states. In no way do I ever want to experience full-blown mania ever again, and it has caused a lot of damage. However, ignorance was bliss during that state of mind. I was living out of my means, but I miss the way I felt...invincible, having fun with certain people (looking back, they were enabling), spending money on all kinds of things and experiences, etc.

I don't ever want to go down that road again, but it feels addictive when I think about those times, but then there's the crash. I compare it in a sense to crashing after being on a drug. I would never do the things that I did during mania right now. I have no desire and know it would just scare me, because I am not in that euphoric manic state....so now I am able to reason. I do look back on some of the fun though when hypomania started. I find myself comparing my current state of mind to then, when I felt so good. It's depressing in some way. It's like knowing something was so bad for you, yet missing feeling high and confident.

I don't feel I know or remember when I felt truly happy without feeling too high or too low. It has been a while. I am not sure how it feels anymore? Can anyone here relate?