I've enjoyed so much of my life. I've had good relationships. I still have many good relationships. I'm just defeated and resolved in this marriage. I need to shut up and just exist. Since I'm too scared to leave, and I flip flop my feelings, so I don't trust myself, i am frozen. But I'm so unhappy. The problem is me. I'm miserable and self loathing, my new thing has become to beat on myself and deprive myself of pleasure. That is my response to not getting the behavior I needed from my h. I know how sick this is. I'll cause myself some real health problems and hopefully die sooner. He wins.

We saw my psychiatrist yesterday and discussed if I should go inpatient. It was my h who suggested it, but he only said it as a threat, not out of sincerity. But I asked the psy if she thought I should and if they would admit me. She said they would because I was harming myself, but that it is just a traumatic experience, so I was discouraged from that.

Now tonight, we are having dinner with friends. I'll put on a masked smile, self inflicted bruises under my clothes.