QUOTE=Erebos;5534998]Dad, the reason she there waS no talk of your marriage during her call is because she has everything right where she needs it.
A compliant and free babysitter so she is free to go to work,or go out with her fella.
She isn't interested in progressing your marriage or fixing it. But as I have said before, denial is part of the grieving process so take all the time you need.
Just don't stop doing things for yourself.
Take care.
Profound, did you consider that his messing around has stopped because your separated and he no longer feels driven to go out and do these things.I might also be inclined to say cheating is something you are inclined to do or not. It rarely changes.
I find rarely does returning to the previous failed situation result in a new out come. Still all the best,[/QUOTE]
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Erebos, I hear you. Believe or not, I am not in the 'trust' stage of this situation.
And i am sorry that more details were not posted here at PC over the years, but as specific details grew messy and very private, I had to take it 'offline.' At the time, with those details, anyone knowing us would have identified us.
As you know, trust takes the hardest hit with infidelity &/or 'midlife mayhem'. I don't assume anything re cheating (or otherwise??),
which is telling. This means regardless of my tone, my efforts & 'hope', that there is an
area where suspicion lives in my mind. We all have instinct & I have put my whole situation under a microscope.
It's just that I am giving this a chance with
professional help & guidance. I have chosen to do so because I think of myself as a 'lay person' of course re: psychology related matters. My logic is that those who have studied psychology ... human behaviour & the human mind extensively, are in a better position than I, to access situations like these. Apart from that, they are also NOT
part, of it on an
emotional level. So although I didn't start thinking about therapy when the chaos was rampant, I made that decision years later (after the acting out seemed to be *running out of steam which made me even *MORE confused! I couldn't always differentiate what I was learning about at the support group & elsewhere, & the behaviour ''morphing back a little to what was familiar. It was at that point that I begin to play with the idea of getting help.
I simply couldn't access the situation. My spouse couldn't either (we had the most explosive arguments at one
phase ... clearly, all of our hurts over the years emerged in those 'raging with
emotional fuel words'. Afterward, we had hit the wall - HARD, were no closer to a solution & in some cases seemed to have made it worse than before
).
Since I didn't have confidence re accessing it - I called in the pros. My spouse seemed to think that he could simply slide back into the marriage as tho nothing had happened. I refused this notion. I had also changed - i very rarely stood up to him.
My 'staying power' so far, I admit has to do with my lack of confidence to make right decision (there is A LOT of stuff on midlife
out there. A lot that I still have to examine and check on. And also we have been married for 'this long' (nearly 'silver,' so its been a few years !)
Should I walk now? Only to find out that had I held on a little bit longer that it stood a chance?
I know the odds are stacked against. I see the numbers in a our support group but some have succeeded thro effective & honest dialog.
If my man child has
grown up, has matured, resolved inner conflict - after all this expression of, then maybe we could start healing by being honest & open ( I was never assertive). If his character is weak after our last attempt to sort things out because
it was never strong to begin with - & not the result of someone gone temp. crazy on reaching mid life, only to perceive his life as failure, with NO time left, then,
I know I could leave (without any "what ifs").
I continue to
work toward my own independence as I write here. I haven't had luck with work as I am capable of only junior admin stuff (which reminds me, I intended to peek at those forums here).
He will be fine. He's qualified and after many years of employment issues he's finally getting back on his feet 'bigtime,' unlike me (& he NEEDS to work. His
value & worth is so attached to it
- part of the reason that he 'cracked,' & ended up doing "what he wanted" as tho there was NO tomorrow). However, I don't feel the way i did years ago. And it is exactly because part of me does not trust completely, that I still continue to try re my $$, my friends - my life.
If all good - we're on.
If not, I'm fine.
(hope this makes more sense (?) & will try to update on my thread in future, so that sequence of events reads in more coherent way)
DadFMF, keep on keeping on. Take care of yourself