Hello!
I'm feeling very...confused, stuck, scared, alone, lonely, sad, happy, free...all at once.
I'm recently out of a very toxic and abusive relationship with a narcissist.
I'm learning to take care of myself again- mentally, eating healthy, getting lots of exercise.
I am a freelancer, and I work from home and and work is now picking up again. I rent a super cute house, I volunteer with animals. I've joined meetup groups to try to make new friends.
But I'm so dissatisfied and sad right now.
I've realized that other than work, I have zero ties to the area that I live in. I moved here to be with my ex, everything here reminds me of him and/or our time (both good and horrible) together. I've been on a mission to "claim this area as my own" and make new memories here, but I am literally all alone. I have no friends (the ones I did have hated him, and I stupidly chose him over them, and allowed him to isolate me) and there's no one here for me. I have nothing that ties me to this area anymore. I mean, I 'm here, and work has settled in, but I question why I'm here. I have no family in the area, I have no friends, I have no co-workers...I'm just this person who floats by in the background, anonymously. It can definitely lead to some super dark and morbid thoughts (what if I started choking and died? No one would know. Absolutely no one would know that I was dead. Or, what if I got into a car accident and ended up in the hospital, there's no one to call, no one to help me, no one). Crazy things like this float around in my head more often than I'd like.
I'm trying to make friends, but at 40, it's so hard! I'm out there in groups, and volunteering, and all that, but for now it's been so lackluster. For instance, I went out to dinner with 2 women I met through one of the groups, I was excited and having fun, until one starts out with a sales pitch for her new book and then trying solicit my services. I was so disappointed after that, totally took all the fun out of it and I couldn't wait to leave.
I keep thinking, maybe I need to move somewhere new and start over? I still won't know anyone, and will ultimately make my work life a thousand times more difficult, but at least I would not be reminded of the abuse and narcissist, and my fear of running into him (with his new supply undoubtedly).
I just feel...impatient I suppose.
Maybe I should give this area more time to work for me?
Thanks