**Mention of SI**

Yes, something big happened in Tuesday's session. I did not begin to process it until much later.

I told T that the previous night I had SI'ed deeper than I ever had before. We talked about that and then he asked me, "What if SI is passe? What if you are beyond that?"

I recognized that this is something that I have unconsciously been aware of for months now. That is doesn't give me the same effect that it used to. And that a lot of the time I do it just to make sure I am still "sick" and that I have a reason to need T, and for T to care about me.

Then he told me that whole thing about not having to be in some sort of crisis to call him-- rather, being able to call him just to talk. That I don't have to be "sick" to be in therapy with him, etc.

When I went home that night I began to process all of this. In session, it was just another conversation, but later that night, it hit me hard. I was having a really hard time accepting that I may not need to SI anymore and that it doesn't do the same things for me that it used to. I know this may sound weird, but it is a very big loss to me. This is something I have turned to for 8 years. It is very, very hard to let it go.

Here is an except from a letter I wrote T that I will be sharing with him tomorrow:

**You see, I cannot accept what has been said. Most of the instances when I have cut in the last couple months have been to maintain that I am one who still cuts—someone who is really %#@&#! up. I remember when I was on the couch and you told me that I am not that 18 year-old girl anymore—I didn’t like that you said that. I was so adamant that I still am—or at least that a big part of her is still inside me. I am too scared to let her go. (Tears start again now). There are several levels of loss here. There is the original loss of the cutting not having the same result for me as it used to. Then there is the loss of cutting itself, if I am going to stop with the acceptance that I am beyond it. After that, there is the loss of part of myself. That ties in with the loss of part of my illness. Finally, to tie it all together, you came out and said this today. That’s the worst part. Because now it’s completely conscious. Now is the absolute conscious loss of all things previously mentioned. My release. My cutting. My illness. Myself.**

I think this is the very first time I am able to see the work that is being done in therapy. That there are parts outside of the hurt. He is the first person to ever see so far beyond the marks. He is the first person to not be afraid to confront me and say-- you are so much more than this. You are beyond this.

(I have not cut since that session. I know that it is only Friday, but that is a pretty big thing for me because I typically do it every single night).