I don't have the answer, am in a similar position.

Sometimes I hate myself less, but it is rarely enough to actually help myself. The problem I have is I don't actually know why I hate myself quite so much. And whenever therapists/doctors have asked me I don't actually have an answer.

A pdoc (who I try to forget most of the time) asked me if I had killed someone and just never told anyone. A genuine question. Apparently that's the only logical reason for me hating myself?

Just hugs to you. I'm here for you