I understand how hard it can be when she is busy and how that can trigger you to feel abandoned, but you need to give her space and learn how to gradually accept her needing her space and not just give in to being triggered to feel you are being abandoned.

If you were to see a therapist, the therapist would work with you to see where these challenges started. That fact that you wrote this down is a "positive", that is because the first step is being able to articulate what one is feeling when they get triggered.

What trauma creates in an individual is it disrupts whatever that individual had in their mind that they organized into finding ways to move forward in their lives. By taking the time to trace the things that disrupted your development in some way, you can identify your own areas that have lacks, areas in "you" where you did not have the knowledge or life experience to bring yourself forward and increase your maturity as well as build up your own self esteem.

Where in your past did this happen before? Usually this comes from CEN, (childhood emotional neglect). A therapist would work with you towards helping you recognize where this comes from and how you developed some negative self talk and emotional challenges that stem from some kind of abandonment that you never got a chance to heal from.

It sounds like your wife has similar challenges which is why when you both met you were both really challenged. It sounds like you are triggering each other and you are clinging while she is trying to find her way forward. If someone is drowning and desperate it's important that when someone is trying to swim and save, not to drag that person down, but let them swim and understand it's the only way towards some safety. What you have to do is learn how to tread water on your own so your wife can swim and do what she can for "both" of you.