Pink, that sounds like a momentous realization you have had. From what you wrote, it does sound like mentally, you are beyond the SI, but for various reasons you've continued. I agree with Soliareee, I think you are doing some mourning. It's OK. SI has been your friend and release for so long. I used to SI as a teen with regularity, but once I moved away from home (and my mother), the need to SI disappeared, and I never did it again (and I didn't miss it). SI was just a coping mechanism for me, and as an adult, when I have been in great pain, it just somehow wasn't appropriate or useful--I needed more mature coping mechanisms that were a better match for my developmental age. Does that make sense? I hope you have some other coping mechanisms available to you as no SI could leave a vacuum. Wishing you the best of luck with this turning point.