Hi, everyone, I haven't posted in a while, but I'm still here. I'm going through so much. I'm so lonely. I have no friends in real life (I recently reconnected with a woman I went to college with, but she lives over 40 miles from me, we keep different hours so finding time to chat on the phone is difficult, and she has her own issues), and my boyfriend works almost all the time. Lately, he's been coming home between 10:00 and midnight, which is unusual but they have a major project they're working on, but he still generally works until around 8:00 p.m. He leaves early in the morning. When he comes home, he goes to his office and shuts the door. I don't get to talk to him much. He usually works Saturday and Sunday, too.

I usually get up around 2:00 or 3:00 (I sleep a lot) and go out for dinner and usually another activity, like shopping or a movie. I haven't gotten up in time for those things for four days, which is highly unusual for me (I haven't missed two or more days in a row for going out in a couple of years), but part of it has been the weather.

I also seriously need to get my Xanax tomorrow. I have one pill left (I take two a day, but have conserved for the past couple of days), plus my emergency pill. But all this isn't because of the Xanax; I've been lonely for a long time.

When I go out to eat, the servers know me by face, if not by name. I eat in the same few places every day.

I'm so fat and my legs struggle to carry me. I normally get in some walking when I go out, but like I said, I haven't been out in a few days. I've started some small exercises when I'm in bed, but that's only for a couple of days that I started. I'm trying to cut out some sugar, but it's hard.

My OCD and panic disorder limit me so much. Hoarding is an issue, too, but we've made some progress with that (except for the past four days). I'm looking for a psychologist a little further out, since I didn't have much luck in my area. I have a psychiatrist and I'm on several medications.

I talk to my sister in Kentucky (I'm in NJ) sometimes, but she's dealing with breast cancer, so she has a lot on her plate.

Please don't suggest a church, because I'm not religious and I have OCD issues with church and anything religious, as well as schools and libraries.

I love my cats, but it's hard to take care of them and give them the attention they each deserve (we have three indoor cats, two indoor/outdoor cats and six to eight outdoor cats). We never meant to have any inside, but one got injured on a neighbor's fence, so we took her in after we took her to the vet. She's fine now, but it led to letting more cats in.

I'm so depressed. I'm not suicidal. I just want to change my life for the better. I'm trying to make changes where I can, but it's hard. I don't have anyone to talk to, really.

If you read this far, thanks. I just had to get it out.