I know this is not the hugest issue because I'm still an undergrad so my problem wouldn't prevent me from graduating or anything, but I am doing a senior thesis, which is basically one semester of independent research and one semester of writing.

The thing is, I had to fight really hard to do this because my academic advisor said I was on edge and it was best for me not to do it. She said, "WE are just doing what's best for you," which made me so paranoid… who is talking about me and why are they preventing me from even submitting a proposal (not just rejecting it)? I went over her head and apparently my proposal was good enough to be accepted, but ever since, I've had issues because due to the confusion, I had no professor to be my thesis advisor. I worked things out with a professor and I'm doing the thesis with him…

So the problem is, he seems like a really decent guy. He also tells me he respects my work process and doesn't expect anything from me (I had proposed to write 200-300 words a week on my findings). But I can't help but see this as a rejection. Especially with the resistance I got from the department, I'm feeling rather rejected…. And I can't communicate with him because he's so nice. I don't want to hurt him. All my daddy issues are coming out. Whenever I try to share what I've learned with him, I stumble and I want to cry. Even the act of saying hello becomes unnecessarily emotional. I even asked him if I'm allowed to ask him questions, which is stupid and he probably thinks I'm really screwed up. I keep acting out everything unhealthy that went on with me and my father and applying it to my professor. I just wish my professor would be a little bit mean to me. I can't tell when he's angry and it makes me scared. He seems so nice and he has a picture of his kids on his desk and he seems like he's a really good father and I just don't know what to do.

Everything has become about him. I meet with him once a week and I just want to cry every time I talk to him. When I research on my own, I keep thinking about whether he would like the book I've chosen to read, or just running through scenarios with him in my mind - stupid stuff like how I'll tell him about this or that reading. Then I freeze and can't move forward in my research. Everything is for him. It's unhealthy. This is supposed to be MY project, and I feel like he doesn't really know what my project even is because I can't stand up to him and correct him or communicate with him. I tell myself I should get over it because no one is going to take care of me. I have to take care of myself. He's not going to save me or nurture me like my father never did. He's nice, but he's not going to be that nice. It's professionalism disguised as kindness. But I really can't. For some reason I can't be tough this time.

Not only have they hindered my progress with the project, but the abandonment issues are starting to impact my relationships with other people. I've cut ties with two classmates so now I basically have no friends. I don't have an excuse. I was feeling needy and just got angry and I just walked away. And I've started to be very submissive around my other professors, as if I'm waiting for them to swoop in and take care of me. As if I'm just waiting for someone to be my father or mother figure.

I never had parental figures that were strong enough to take care of me. I mostly had to figure things out for myself while putting up with their abuse. I'm just so… pissed off about this. I've gotten this far and now I'm being pathetic. It's not even that I'm not smart enough. I guess the problem is I have always done things for myself. I detached from my parents at a very young age. And this time I'm doing things for him. I can't walk away from him. Every interaction with him makes me feel unmoored - sad, guilty, self conscious. My self harm has been avragated because of my guilt around him. I cry almost every day. I'm a mess.

I hope that wasn't too long and confusing. I myself am very confused. Any advice at all would be appreciated, but please don't be mean. Also, I will not quit this project. It's just getting harder to believe in the potency of my research idea and it's hard to justify wasting everyone's time given that I am barely making progress.